Signs that the marriage is over. How to understand that your marriage has come to an end

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Most books on psychology, as well as a large number of different trainings, are aimed at how to save your marriage. While healing a sick relationship is exactly what many of us want so badly, it's helpful to know when it's time to let go of a relationship. Every marriage is certainly different, however, there are some universal truths. For example, if only one of the partners wants to save the relationship, then such a marriage is doomed.

Moreover, the countdown begins when one of the spouses constantly postpones the decision of an important issue and does not discuss it openly with his partner. At the same time, the more time passes without making any special efforts, the less chance there is for further life together. Below are nine signs that your marriage is likely beyond repair.

1. You no longer have an emotional connection.

Couples whose marriage is dead, or nearly dead, usually don't feel connected. If you no longer spend time together, if one or both of you spends all your time at work, with friends or on the Internet, and does not feel the need to be near your spouse, then this is a clear sign that you are already emotionally "out" of marriage .

2. One spouse refuses to try

There are so many problems that modern marriages face, including infidelity, the loss of a close relative, and long sexual breaks. However, if only one of the spouses constantly raises issues that concern him, asks for help and says that all problems must be resolved mutually, otherwise the marriage cannot be saved, then such a marriage is actually in trouble. Everything is very difficult for one person to do, so there is a good rule of thumb: if there was no progress in a year, then this is a sign to leave.

3. There is no respect in relationships.

One of the most important aspects of a healthy marriage is mutual respect. When it leaves, and one of the partners begins to feel depressed and rejected, while the other does not want to discuss anything, the situation is deplorable. Such marriages become toxic to the individual, the person is either constantly attacking or constantly defending himself.

4. You're not on the same team anymore

In healthy marriages, partners are a team in everything from housekeeping to supporting each other in careers and personal ambitions. If you both start moving in different directions, if you are not working together on daily issues, then this is a sign that there are serious problems.

5. An unfaithful spouse is friends with an ex-lover.

Infidelity is the hardest test for a marriage, so simply ending ties on the side is not enough. It is extremely stupid, trying to save the family, even maintaining friendly relations with a former lover. No matter what he or she says about the innocence of such communication, nothing good will come of it.

6. No compromise on wants and needs

In most marriages, a person tries to meet the needs of his partner, while not forgetting his own. It's a game of life, give and take, and it requires constant communication. But if your partner consistently refuses to listen to your needs (for time, sex, his help, etc.), or doesn't talk about his needs, then you're not going well together.

7. One of the spouses is a serial cheater

Some men, usually just men, are simply not made for marriage, they are not able to maintain a monogamous relationship, even if they say that they want to get married. Even worse, when such men shift the blame for their depravity and insecurity onto their partner, saying that the wife is too jealous and controls him a lot. After a single betrayal, the preservation of the marriage is still possible, of course, after painstaking work on both sides. However, in the case of a serial cheater, this problem will never be solved, which, of course, implies the end of the marriage.

8. Your points of view regarding the need to have children in the family do not coincide

There are many issues that can be compromised in a marriage, whether it's the financial side of life or questions about where to spend your vacations or holidays, but if one of you wants a child and the other flatly refuses to do so, you're in trouble. If one of the partners still doubts whether he wants a child, then in this case it makes sense to "work" with him, but if his answer is unambiguously negative, and your life goal is the birth of a child, then your union has come to an end.

9. You no longer communicate with each other.

None of the problems in marriage can be solved without open and honest communication. If you have come to the conclusion that all your conversations boil down to where to buy milk, then the marriage is in trouble. The lack of personal and intimate communication in marriage is an extremely negative sign, especially if you have someone to talk to about such topics.

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Most books and articles by psychologists advise how to save a marriage. But sometimes it's important to just understand that it's time to let each other go. So, if one or both partners do not want to make the slightest effort to reanimate the union, then such marriage is doomed. Another factor is time. "The countdown begins to tick when one partner brings the couple's problems into the public eye," says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time passes from now on without any effort being made, the less likely you are to stay together.”

There are some common signs that your marriage may be beyond repair.

1. You are no longer a couple.

A man and a woman whose union is over—or nearly over—usually lose their intimacy, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., author of Respite: Making Space for the Couple.

“If you no longer spend time together, if one or both of you are constantly busy at work, with friends or online, and at the same time you feel relieved that you do not have to be with each other, then this indicates that you moving away from marriage,” she explains.

2. One of you gives up trying.

Some marriages face serious challenges that seem insurmountable. It could be infidelity, the loss of a close family member, or a long lack of sex. But, as Alisa Bowman, author of The Project: Happily Ever After, points out, if one partner raises a problem, asks for help, and makes it clear that the marriage won't survive unless both start working, the other refuses to go. towards, then we can say that such a marriage is in trouble.

"One partner can't try to do it all on their own," says Bowman. "So you're not going anywhere." There is one life rule: if a whole year has passed without progress, it may be time to end it.

3. Relationships lack respect.

One of the most important aspects in a relationship is mutual respect, Savage notes. If this is not the case, if one of the partners is constantly rejected or feels a condescending attitude towards himself (and the second does not notice this or refuses to discuss it), then the matter is bad. “Marriages that have reached this point can be called toxic: you are no longer a couple, it is only about attack and defense,” the expert believes.

4. You are no longer a team.

It may sound strange, but it's true: healthy marriage both partners work as a team in everything from raising children and domestic troubles to supporting each other in matters of career and personal ambitions.

“If each of you has started moving in your own separate orbit, or if you are no longer working together on routine issues, then this is a sign of a serious problem,” Savage warns.

5. The wrong half continues to be friends with a former lover / mistress.

Infidelity is a huge obstacle that is very difficult to overcome. To save a marriage, just ending the relationship on the side is not enough, notes Kay. It is impossible to fully survive the betrayal if the wrong half remains friends with a former lover or mistress. It doesn't matter what he or she says about the innocence of their current relationship. “Nothing good will come of this,” the specialist assures.

6. There are no compromises in matters of desires and needs.

An essential part of marriage is to meet your partner's needs without compromising your own interests. This is a lifelong dance - give and take - that requires constant communication. But if your partner consistently refuses to even listen to your wants and needs (time, attention, sexual/physical contact, help with the kids or household chores), or doesn't want to voice their own, that's a red flag, Kay says.

7. One of the spouses is systematically cheating.

“Some men - and according to stereotypes, these are men - are simply not imprisoned for marriage. They are incapable of being monogamous, even if they showed with their whole appearance that they want to get married, ”Bowman explains. Even worse, they manage to accuse you of their depravity and unreliability, usually reproaching you for excessive suspicion and jealousy.

Betrayal, from which a marriage can recover, is followed by apologies and promises not to do it again. But this is not the case with serial cheaters: it is a problem that cannot be fixed and which, most likely, indicates the end of the marriage.

8. You can't agree on whether or not to have children.

In marriage, there are many reasons to compromise, such as who will be in charge of finances, where to go on vacation, or exactly how to solve minor family problems. But if one of you knows exactly what wants a baby, and the second categorically refuses, then such a relationship is in danger.

If one of you is leaning towards having or not have children, there is still work to be done on this. But when it comes to a principled position, when for one of the partners a child is an unconditional goal, then such a marriage is likely to fall apart.

9. You no longer communicate with each other.

No problem in marriage can be solved without an open, frank conversation. If all you ever talk about is mundane things like who to buy milk today, then divorce could very well be just around the corner, Savage warns. “The lack of personal, intimate communication in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to other people,” she notes.

10. Decreased frequency and quality of intimacy.

"It's about the couple not having enough interest in sex and not talking about it or doing anything about it," explains Dawn Cardi, a Manhattan lawyer. - Or they have a different opinion on this matter. The bottom line is that sex doesn't work anymore, and hasn't for a while."

11. Swearing and arguments happen more often than before.

According to Lauri Puhn, New York-based family law attorney and author of Instant Persuasion, the controversy and verbose accusations will never stop. “It happens over and over again for the same reasons,” she says. - You argue about the same thing, and the further, the more often. And there is no solution to the problem - this is a road to nowhere.

The expert notes that the cause of most problems in relationships is insufficient communication: “It all comes down to communication skills and the ability to resolve conflict situations. My research shows that 69% of divorced couples complained about unresolved conflicts that caused feelings of hopelessness.”

12. Excessive planning or spending a lot of time on the computer and smartphone.

Little time spent alone with each other, when it is initiated by one or both halves, is a strong indicator that a marriage is in danger. "There's a certain amount of work to be done, but if there's more and more of it, especially when it comes to weekends, it's called moving away from each other," Cardi explains.

According to her, if one of the partners seeks to spend as little time as possible with the other half, then the relationship can be considered problematic. "If you don't spend time together, then you don't have any intimacy," says Cardi. "You can't keep a marriage going by emailing each other."

13. Changes in relationship with money.

From a legal perspective, Cardi says, the changes around finance can tell a lot. “People come to me and say: my husband has changed his bank account, he is transferring money. It's a sign that he's getting ready to get out of the marriage and on the path to divorce," she shares.

14. Dreams of being alone or finding someone else.

As Poon notes, this is the most serious sign, since such thoughts often occur immediately before a breakup. “You start dreaming because everything else doesn't give you hope anymore,” she explains. - You think about what your life would be like if you weren't together. Maybe you don’t really want a divorce, you even would like to stay together, but at the same time you are so disillusioned about a joint future that it just becomes interesting - how it could be. Such thoughts often open the way to treason.

The list goes on, but it may vary from couple to couple. However, the question remains the same: how to prevent the train from derailing? “Talk about it and acknowledge that there are communication problems. This will help, if necessary, to attract a third party - a professional - advises Poon. - But, in truth, you must fix the marriage even when you enter into it. It is normal that people who decide to be together notice more and more differences over time. And in order not to lose touch, you need dedication and attention to detail. That is the most important part of the plan to save a marriage - to notice the problem in time and turn to face it.

Is there passion in your marriage? Are you experiencing the same feelings for your spouse as before?

Do you communicate in the same way as when you first got married?

Ask yourself these questions before it's too late, and prevent a sad outcome. Listed below are some signs that your marriage is falling apart.

1. Personal attacks

Constant abuse of unflattering words and personal attacks means respect has left your marriage. When there is no respect and love, the whole meaning of marriage is lost.

2. Physical disappointments

Physical relationships do play an important role in marriage. If they are absent or do not fully satisfy one of the partners, this is one of the signals of the end of the marriage. Solve the problem together, otherwise you will not avoid problems soon.

3. No compromise

The success of a marriage depends on compromise and the ability to meet each other halfway. When these two things are missing, it can lead to quarrels and recriminations.

4. Disputes and disagreements

When a couple continues to argue over the smallest of things, it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship. Together with quarrels and squabbles, love and respect in marriage ends.

5. Self-centered needs

If one of the partners thinks only of himself in the first place, this can lead to problems in the marriage. Marriage is, first of all, “we”. If yours or your partner's needs are self-centered, your marriage is about to collapse.

6. Desire to dominate

Dominant nature means that one person likes to have the upper hand over another. It kills love and mutual respect in a marriage. If not immediately, then over time, one of the partners will get tired of being humiliated, and he will leave, leaving years of marriage behind.

7. No mutual communication

A marriage cannot survive without active communication. You can be sure that your marriage is crumbling if you don't communicate with your spouse like you used to.

8. Ego

When the ego appears in a marriage relationship, love goes away. If neither you nor your partner are willing to compromise, put up a fight between your egos, it shows that the end of your marriage is not far off.

9. Infidelity

No one can tolerate cheating and infidelity in a marriage. If this happened, then your marriage is most likely over.

10. Lack of time

Lack of time by one or both partners affects the relationship in marriage. This is definitely a sign not to be missed.

11. Disagreements

Differences over issues such as finances and children can cause problems in a marriage. If this situation persists for a long time, your marriage ends.

12. Changing goals

When two people are connected in love but have different goals, their relationship will not last. The same thing can happen in marriage.

13. Lack of emotional connection

Over a period of time, an emotional bond develops between the partners. If emotional contact is no longer in your marriage, this is a wake-up call. Either act or don't torture each other.

14. Every situation ends in a scandal.

Disagreements and quarrels are an integral part of marriage. But if every situation ends in a scandal and a fight, then there is no love and no point in keeping the marriage.

15. Lie

Lies of one of the spouses means a violation of trust and bonds of marriage. Because where there is a lack of trust, there is no opportunity for love, so your marriage suffers.

16. Loneliness

Are you suffering from loneliness and depression because of your marriage? Consider that this could be a sign of a failed relationship. Maybe we should let each other go.

17. No love

If you don't love your partner, there is no point in saving the marriage. You, of course, guess that everything has come to an end.

But what if everything seems to be going smoothly in your family, but the relationship still begins to gradually deteriorate and cease to bring satisfaction? ELLE has compiled 10 signs that your marriage is at risk.

You got married while still in college or when you were over 32 years old

Of course, the first love, which then develops into a full-fledged family, is wonderful. But, according to psychologists, there is a much greater chance of falling apart. All this is due to the fact that at the time of the formalization of relations, young people have not yet fully formed. And, as a result, in the next few years, their character is undergoing changes that do not always suit the partner.

The reverse side of the coin is a marriage concluded after 32 years, when a person is already used to living most of the time exclusively for his own pleasure and is not ready to adapt to his partner, which can lead to domestic conflicts and, as a result, to divorce.

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There are two daughters in your family

It is unpleasant, but true: according to statistics, families in which two girls grow up disperse much more often than those where two sons are raised. Psychologists explain this by the fact that fathers are more involved in raising boys, which means they are less distracted by family squabbles.

Your parents are divorced

The percentage of divorces in children who were brought up in single-parent families, according to psychologists, is 40%. This is because such people did not have a positive example before their eyes and they can hardly imagine what a harmonious relationship between a husband and wife looks like.

Financial difficulties

Your partner smokes and you don't

In couples where there is only one smoker, problems can also arise. The fact is that, most likely, after some time you will realize that you and your partner, it turns out, do not have much in common - you lead a different lifestyle, and you have different values.

First child born less than 8 months after marriage

Statistics say that 24% of marriages, where partners find out that they are waiting for replenishment, before the wedding, break up.

Wife earns more than husband

Strange as it may seem, the divorce rate among couples where the spouse earns more than the husband is 60% higher than among those where the wife does not work at all.

Wife older than husband

Another reason for divorce may be the age of the spouse. In cases where the wife is a year or more older than her chosen one, the probability that the marriage will be dissolved increases to 53%. All this is due to the fact that a woman in such a relationship begins to take on too many duties and responsibilities, playing the role of a mother for her spouse.

Content:

Ending a marriage has never been an easy decision, and you definitely shouldn't make it quickly and without hesitation. While each situation has its own nuances, there are some general warning signs that may indicate that your relationship is already over.

Steps

Part 1 Disengagement (Distance)

1. 1 Spend time together. For a marriage to be considered normal, you must spend time with each other. If you avoid each other and find it much easier when you are apart, then this may be a clear sign of separation.
   • Ask yourself how much time you spend with your spouse, then compare that amount to the time you spend at work (not counting the time you have to spend at work), with friends, with family, or on the internet. Also count the amount of time your spouse spends without you.
   • While it's okay to spend time apart, it's important to spend time together. If you devote most of your free time to something else, and not to a partner, or he does the same towards you, then the problem exists for sure.
2. 2 Talk about communication problems. If you and your spouse can no longer talk openly about what's really important, then there's no way you can fix the problems in your marriage.
   • You need to discuss not only topics related to everyday life. Open communication is fundamental to emotional intimacy, without which you will inevitably begin to drift apart. This can become even more of a problem if both of you refuse to be open with each other, but you can talk to other people with a greater degree of vulnerability.
   • Ask yourself with whom you will share the most important thing that can happen in your life first. The answer should be "with a spouse." If you would rather talk to someone other than your spouse (even if it's just a relative), then you have already lost the emotional closeness you need.
   • Also ask yourself if you're actually interested in hearing about your spouse's life. You must have a natural desire to listen and care for your spouse, otherwise you will end up pushing each other away.
3. 3 Work as a team. Spouses who get through the day-to-day worries as a team are conducive to the continuation of their marriage, but if you leave each other in pursuit of your own interests, you will not be able to effectively reconcile your daily life.
   • Marriage requires people to live their lives together, and teamwork in this matter is extremely important. You need to learn how to make joint decisions about things that affect both of you, including parenting and financial matters.
   • You also need to consider your spouse as a team when you think about your own ambitions, and the same should be the case in return. Spouses who work towards different goals end up drifting apart.
4. 4 Raise the issue of intimacy. Physical intimacy is an important part of any marriage. The reluctance to spend time in each other's arms indicates a serious loss of physical and emotional attraction.
   • Lack or lack of physical intimacy does not always doom a marriage if the problem is physical or mental health, but if it's all about the lack of desire itself, then this can be a very bad sign.
   • Keep in mind that physical intimacy includes sex, but it's not just about sex. Other forms of physical intimacy can be just as significant: holding hands, hugging, and so on.
5. 5 Think about the future. More precisely, think about the future without a spouse and try to understand how you feel about this. If such fantasies make you feel rather strong feelings of joy, then perhaps your subconscious mind is sending you a sign that it's over.
   • However, this should not be your only reason for ending the relationship, and you should not rush through the process after one or two such thoughts. Such fantasies are often unrealistic, especially if they are the result of a midlife crisis, so don't decide your future based on them alone.
   • On the other hand, if there are other problems in your marriage, and the thought of breaking up brings you much more joy than staying together, then you should take this as a warning sign.

Part 2 Unhealthy Behaviors

1. 1 Respect each other. Both spouses should have a healthy level of respect for each other. In the event that one of you shows a lack of respect for the other, you are more likely to become adversaries rather than allies.
   • The signs of disrespect are quite obvious, and a spouse who succumbs to such treatment constantly feels rejected and humiliated. In many cases, this problem can be solved with a conversation or consultation. But if it is still ignored, then the lack of respect can lead to a situation where nothing can be corrected.
2. 2 Be alert for signs of narcissism. Each of us demonstrates some degree of high self-importance to some extent, but both spouses should recognize the contribution of the other as well as their own.
   • Ask yourself how you discuss your overall contribution to your life together. If you're constantly competing by comparing how hard you work and how much energy you expend on shared responsibilities (children, home, animals, and so on), then you may both assume that things are easier for the other spouse. This can make you feel mistreated and view your spouse as an enemy.
3. 3 Beware of overwhelming negativity. In all healthy marriages, spouses fight, but when your fights and other negative interactions consistently crowd out the positive ones, your marriage can be in jeopardy.
   • As a rule of thumb, for every negative interaction, there should be five positive interactions, and they can range from minor to quite large.
   • Constantly complaining and blaming each other are standard signs of overwhelming negativity. Both actions set the spouses against each other, and as a result, instead of getting closer, you will become more and more distant.
   • Note, however, that you don't have to worry too much if you're wondering if your marriage is more positive or negative. In most cases, if a marriage is filled with negativity, it will be obvious to both the participants and those around them.

Part 3 Irreconcilable Differences

1. 1 Try to sort things out. If you or your spouse refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it, then it will be next to impossible to save your marriage. One person is not able to solve a problem that affects another person, so both spouses must make a commitment to strengthen the marriage.
   • Sometimes a similar situation arises when one of the spouses is not able to see the whole essence and reality of the problem. If your spouse turns a blind eye to such a problem, then he will definitely not take steps to solve it.
   • In other cases, the spouse recognizes the problem, but does not want to solve it for one simple reason - he simply does not care anymore.
2. 2 Limit time for therapy. Such sessions can help many marriages, but if trips to a psychotherapist last a year or even more, and nothing changes, then perhaps additional consultations with a specialist will not be useful in your situation.
   • Even if you both want to make things right, you may not succeed because your disagreements and problems have gone too far.
   • At the same time, you need to understand that slow progress is still progress. If a year of psychotherapy does not bring no result, this is usually a bad sign. But if during this time you have made even the slightest progress, then there may be a small chance to fix everything.
3. 3 Talk about your views on the future. Problems can arise if both spouses have completely opposite views on the future. Disagreements like this don't always ruin a marriage, but they can if you can't find a common solution and middle ground among common goals.
   • Disagreements about whether or not to have children are the most common in this regard. If one of you is absolutely sure that he wants children, and the other is absolutely sure of the opposite, then there is not the slightest chance of compromise, since this issue will be a constant source of tension and contention.
4. 4 Find a compromise. No two people think exactly the same way. Sometimes you will have to compromise for your spouse, and he will have to do the same for you. As soon as one of the parties refuses to compromise, you will not be able to get along with each other.
   • Some of your wants and needs will overlap, but many will not. You both need to be definitely honest about your own desires, and in turn, you must be willing to listen and accommodate those desires as needed.
   • When one spouse refuses to compromise, or when you are approaching the point where no compromise can help, then your marriage is most likely on the path to breaking up.
5. 5 . If you or your spouse have bad habits, then you will have to get rid of them and work hard to restore them if you do not want to completely destroy your marriage.
   • Bad habits will always be in the first place for an addicted person, which is why they can be so destructive. If your spouse has any bad habit, then the priorities will definitely not be in favor of your marriage or family.
   • As a rule, the dependent person will also refuse to admit his responsibility and may try to shift the blame to the spouse, and this will only exacerbate the problem.
6. 6 Stay true. Despite the fact that infidelity will spoil any marriage, there is still a chance to save it if the cheating spouse corrects his mistakes. But cheaters who show no remorse for what they have done, or refuse to remain faithful, will not be able to do what it takes to save their marriage.
   • It is considered a bad sign if the cheating spouse maintains a friendly relationship with a former lover, especially if this is the former lover with whom you cheated. An unwillingness to refuse to associate with this person suggests a lack of commitment to correcting mistakes in marriage.
   • Similarly, if one of the spouses cheated more than once, then this indicates his inability to remain monogamous, and, accordingly, his inability to maintain the marriage. This is especially true if the cheater refuses to be held accountable for what he did.
7. 7 Come to terms with the unchanging. Sometimes two well-meaning spouses can try to make things right, but some lifestyle, health, or other "established" circumstances prevent a happy ending.
   • For example, if you are in a heterosexual marriage and your spouse admits to being homosexual, there is no way around this problem. Even if you both care about each other emotionally, you won't be able to remain romantically attached.
   • Or another example, while some couples remain together as a result of a tragedy experienced (for example, the loss of a child), others do the opposite. If each other's company only increases sadness, then perhaps the best way out of this situation is to part.